


my only chance at heaven is you

by StrawberryMilkandCookies



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Sexual Situations, Bisexual Hinata Hajime, Character Projection, Cheesy, Consensual Sex, Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, First Time, Gay Komaeda Nagito, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Komahina - Freeform, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Making Love, Masturbation, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Religious Themes, Shame, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Teasing, consent is v important, like this literally has NOTHING to do with canon um, religious trauma, sex is confusing, sexual healing, they're both so awkward jfc they're like teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:28:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29164203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrawberryMilkandCookies/pseuds/StrawberryMilkandCookies
Summary: "It wasn’t as if Hajime didn’t want to have sex with him. He really did! And yet, every erotic thought was met with guilt and embarrassment. Turns out being brainwashed into thinking that sex was as evil as murder kind of made it hard to get a boner."or basically hajime is dealing with religious trauma syndrome but is ready to take a step in the right direction towards healing
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 12
Kudos: 152





	my only chance at heaven is you

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this rn because projecting onto my characters is literally the only way i know how to deal with things. Idk why I chose these two in particular bc this has legit N O T H I N G to do with canon but they’re my comfort ship. Be aware of the warnings in the tags, please. The last thing I want is for someone to be triggered by this.
> 
> Also. I’m just going to say this upfront, please no comments about “this isn’t an accurate representation of religion” or “not all religions are like this” or anything similar to that, this is based on my own personal experience with religion and it is very real for me. Your experience or faith may be different and I am in no way saying that all religions are like this, this is just the environment I grew up in and would like to see characters heal from their trauma so someday I can, too.

To say Hajime Hinata was nervous would be an understatement. To say he was buzzing with excited anticipation would be a lie.

He was sitting on the edge of his bed with his hands clasped together, staring blankly in front of him. He could hear Nagito finishing washing the dishes in the other room. Hajime had offered to help, but Nagito waved him off and said it would only take a few minutes. Not wanting to argue, he left him alone and sat in the bedroom instead. Nagito was taking longer than a few minutes, though. That probably meant he was just as scared of the evening as Hajime was.

The brunette sighed and glanced to his left, towards the bedside table. He had checked before, but his brain began to cast doubts every time he looked away. The bedside table looked just like it did the last time he checked; nothing was missing.

_I’m such an idiot,_ Hajime sighed, turning away from the bedside table and staring forward instead. _This is a natural part of growing up. People do this easily without half of the things I insisted on having. I have everything! I checked for the last time! I need to stop looking._

Hajime paused. But…what if he _did_ forget something? What if when he had glanced over there before, he had forgotten about something important? What if when they started and were finally getting comfortable…what if they needed something and it wasn’t there? How awkward would it be to have to stop, leave the room, and grab something? He couldn’t let that happen. This evening was going to be difficult enough as is.

So, against his better judgment, he turned around and looked again. And yet again, he was met with the sight of over-preparation without a single item missing. It wasn’t as if he had a checklist…that he was actively using. But, there was no harm in being too ready…right?

Staring at the table supplied with two lubricants, two condoms, two washcloths – one dry and one dampened – and even a water bottle, Hajime was starting to think that there might be some harm in it, after all.

_For crying out loud, I am SUCH a loser._ Hajime rolled his eyes. _Why do I have so much stuff I’m not even going to need it?! This is sex, not a goddamn camping trip!_

If someone were to see him, they would assume he was an awkward, anxious virgin that had been preparing for sex ever since he saw a naked girl for the first time.

But, that wasn’t the case. Part of him wished it was, though. At least that way he wouldn’t have to deal with the shame and guilt he was desperately trying to suppress.

Hajime Hinata did not have the privilege of being raised in a world where sex was okay. He wasn’t raised to think that people could do what they wanted with their bodies. He wasn’t taught to accept himself and let himself feel happy and satisfied.

He was raised learning sex was wrong. Sex should only be done by a man and a woman after they were married. If you weren’t married, you were not supposed to be having sexual thoughts. You should be dismissing them from your mind. Dwelling on sexual fantasies was just as bad as committing adultery. God could read your thoughts and see if you were thinking about sex. God would hate you if you gave in. You should not look at anything that would encourage sexual thoughts. You should not touch yourself. You should not let yourself feel pleasure if you were not married. Lewd dreams demanded repentance and change. Sexual sin was just as bad as murder. Sex outside of marriage was almost unforgivable. If you had sex, you have failed God and His wrath will be against you. Sex between homosexual men was revolting and unnatural. Wanting to have sex with someone of the same-sex was disgusting and needed to be prayed away. Gay sex was of the devil. Sex was wrong. Sex was wrong. SEX WAS WRONG.

Hajime could now recognize it was bullshit. It was ridiculous and nonsensical. And yet…this was what he was raised in. When you have been brainwashed to believe your worth depended on God, and that God would only love you if you kept every commandment perfectly…it was hard to start believing otherwise.

It wasn’t as if Hajime had never felt any sort of arousal, though. And though his first experience with sexual gratification was pretty pathetic and depressing, at least it served as proof that he wasn’t a lost cause.

He could still remember the first time he ever touched himself in the shower, sixteen years old, warm water cascading over his skin as he gave in. Every touch and movement of his hand sent a ripple of pleasure throughout his body. He had one hand clamped over his mouth to stop himself from letting out any noise, knowing that one sound was all it took for his parents to hear and realize what was going on. The consequences of that wouldn’t be pretty.

He had to lean against the shower’s wall for support, legs shaking from the new sensations that had completely overridden all thought and logic. His head was dizzy and his mind was foggy, barely able to comprehend what was going on. The hand that was covering his mouth was now covered in sweat as his hot breath hit his palm, grip becoming tighter every time he couldn’t suppress a whimper. It came out muffled and barely audible; the risk of getting caught was too terrifying to allow himself to let out the moans that were building up in his lungs and threatening to break loose. His other hand was wrapped around his…

The mere idea of touching himself in this way had been revolting his whole life, but at the moment, his body would not let him feel any guilt or shame, as if it had been awaiting this moment for years and now refused to let anything stop it.

It all started because of a dream, one that should have disgusted him, but instead caused him to wake up with an erection. His dream was filled with…him. A boy. As if a sexual dream were not loathsome enough, it starred the boy from church…Nagito Komaeda.

Reflecting on it further only made the waves of pleasure grow more intense, so against his better judgment, Hajime decided to think about it and take care of his growing erection…just this once.

He could imagine…Nagito would be standing over him, smirking at how easily Hajime was falling apart just from thinking about him. His hand was wrapped around Hajime’s dick, stroking it. His hand would be so soft, and his eyes would be intensely fixated on Hajime whimpering as he shook. His lips would lightly press against his neck, sucking on his tanned skin and nibbling it gently, and his hand would still moving quickly against Hajime’s throbbing cock. His grip would become tighter and his hand would move faster, faster, pulling away from his neck to stare at him lustfully as he watched the boy pant.

_“You’re so gorgeous, Hajime…”_ He imagined his voice being an octave deeper than usual. _“Does it feel good, baby?”_

Hajime could feel himself nodding to a question that was never asked in reality.

“Please, don’t stop…” he barely whispered against his hand, thrusting his hips as he picked up the pace. The heat in his gut was threatening to burst, and the wave of pleasure was building up higher, and higher. He never wanted it to stop.

_“I’m right here, baby. Let go for me,”_ the mental image of Nagito said, hungrily staring at him. In between gasps for air he let out strangled moans, leaning his head back as his he frantically pumped his cock before it became too much.

With Nagito’s name on his lips, he arched his back as he climaxed, hand clasped so tightly over his mouth as he could no longer hold back a cry. He had never experienced anything like it in his life and he savored every second of the moment.

His tense muscles became limp and his mind began to return to his body as his climax began to die down. Breathing heavily, he finally allowed his arm to drop from his mouth and he lowered his head, amazed. He couldn’t describe the feeling; it was incomparable to anything he ever felt before. It was as if a silent need he had never acknowledged was finally satisfied.

And then came the feelings of guilt.

Shame.

Embarrassment.

Disbelief.

What had he just done?

He had just masturbated…to the mental image of a boy. A boy from church who would _never_ want to just partake in what Hajime had imagined. How could he let such feelings overtake him? How could he let himself go like that?

He stared down at himself, tears springing to his eyes. The feelings of satisfaction had died and all he was left with was the desire to bury himself in a hole and never emerge.

He left the shower that day and spent an entire week feeling as if everyone could see through him. His parents, his friends at school, the members at church, his pastor, God…Nagito…all it took was one look at him and they could what he had done in the shower that day and they were disgusted.

With time, though, he was able to make eye contact with Nagito again and try to put that horrible day in the past. He made a promise to himself to never indulge in such thoughts ever again.

There are some promises that aren’t made to be kept, though. That promise was one of them.

When Nagito accidentally confessed his growing attraction to Hajime, that was all it took for the promise to be broken. It took only a kiss to destroy the walls he had built to hide. A kiss that was said to be sinful but made him feel as if he had discovered the gates of Heaven.

He had been told his whole life that the love he was feeling was wrong and that if he acted on his feelings, he would have to face God someday and receive justice for his sins. If that were true, he didn’t see himself pleading with God, but explaining how unfair His laws really were. If God was the one who created Nagito’s soul and body, how could He expect Hajime to ignore him? How could he be expected to pray for miracles and wonders when he was already given one of his own? If he could convince God to just take a moment and look into the eyes of His creation through his perspective, He would understand why Hajime felt the way he did, and why it broke his heart to be forced away from such a man as Nagito Komaeda. If He could just partake in the light that Nagito radiated, He would not be able to say Hajime’s love for Nagito was a sin.

So, after months of falling harder for his friend, he left his religion behind. Sadly, it was a two-for-one deal: to leave his religion, he had to leave his family, as well. So, he did. He had no choice. There was no happiness for him there, and if his self-hatred got any stronger than it already was, it was only a matter of time before he would begin to consider a darker alternative.

Unable to rely on his parents for money or shelter, he began to live with Nagito, who lived by himself after his parents passed away. There was enough room for both of them to be comfortable, and enough privacy to allow Hajime to finally breathe freely. The quick, hesitant exchange of kisses behind the church’s outdoor generator became longer, resolute kisses on Nagito’s couch. Hajime finally asked Nagito to be his boyfriend, and the guest bedroom became unoccupied again. For the first time in his life, he finally had the freedom he longed for.

So why the hell wasn’t he happy? Why was he still guilty? Why did he still despise himself so much?

Hajime had never heard of Religious Trauma Syndrome until he was living outside of his parents’ house, and that’s when a lot of his thoughts and actions started to make sense.

It was frustrating, though. He knew other people who had left their churches with little to no concern at all: their minds were capable of rearranging, casting out the deceptions they had been taught. They were able to recognize reality and live their lives the way they wanted to. Why couldn’t he have that? Why did his insides have to churn and his have to head pound every time he held Nagito’s hand in public? When his lips were over Nagito’s and his heart was swelling with adoration, why did he suddenly feel as if he was being spied on by a celestial being? Every time he tried to take a step further away from what he used to be, he was bombarded by screaming voices telling him what a horrible person he was.

He knew he wasn’t the only one who was struggling with this condition, though. Nagito Komaeda, the kid in church who was so quiet and kind, no one could ever imagine him falling away…he dealt with this condition when he left, too, just in a different way.

To put it simply, Nagito hated himself. Every mistake he made was followed by a stream of apologies to Hajime. The way he asked for forgiveness, though…it made Nagito assume he was just unconsciously repenting to a preacher that was no longer in his life. He was unable to stop the longwinded rants about his unworthiness to be in the presence of good people. Even when Hajime repeatedly assured him that he was not the “creature of filth” he described himself as, it didn’t make a difference.

Then there was the Despair aspect. When he was still religious, he could cling to hope of a life after death and a hidden purpose behind everything, but as his faith in a celestial being began to slip away, so did his foundation of security. He would ask Hajime why he was even alive, and what would happen to him after he finally passed out of this mortal coil. Was he simply a meaningless nobody who wouldn’t be remembered? And then what if it turned out that there was a God…was he doomed for all eternity? Was he to be subjected to agony and suffering simply because he wasn’t as important as those around him? Or was he to be tortured because he once knew the truth but fell away? An eternity of writhing and burning…was that what was in store for him? Eternity was a long time…it never ended. Ever. There was no finishing line to work towards in hopes for the suffering to end…there would be no hope at all. Just despair.

Hajime would sit with Nagito as he panicked, trying to calm him when he didn’t know how. All he could do was watch his boyfriend ramble and grow increasingly more and more paranoid, arms wrapped around himself. He would keep talking and talking until his words turned to laughter, because how hilarious would it be if the religion that was so suffocating was right all along, and for falling away he would be damned? How hilarious was it that his future held nothing but despair and agony when he had worked so hard to overcome the challenges of life on earth? How hilarious was it that if God were real, he hated Nagito so much he decided to make sure he would suffer from hopelessness in this life _and_ the next life, giving him no future to believe in and no reason to keep trying?

Then his laughter would turn into tears, and there was nothing Hajime could do. The religion that claimed to be one of love and hope left them in self-hatred and despair.

But…they had escaped. Even if their mindsets were not reset to ones of truth, at least they left the never-ending cycle of inadequacy.

And now Hajime sat at the foot of their bed, months after the day he left home, staring at the floor and waiting for Nagito to come in so they could cross one of the biggest boundaries of them all.

Sex was…something that Hajime needed time to come to terms with. He needed a plan and he needed to prepare himself emotionally. They had discussed it previously and had decided that Hajime would be on top. Logically, this was possibly the worst position arrangement, seeing as Hajime had so much trouble initiating intimate acts while Nagito struggled to let himself be on the receiving end. Nevertheless, it was what both of them felt more comfortable doing.

Being a top would require at least a vague idea of what to do during sex, though. And Hajime was clueless. Without any experience or sexual education, all he could rely on was the Internet.

He found that porn was a rather horrible teacher; he wasn’t able to tell if the screams were exaggerated or if he was about to underperform significantly. Either way, every video he watched left him with more questions rather than answers. So, he read a few dozen articles about various topics, instead: common sex positions for gay men, anal sex, how to turn someone on, orgasms, and differences between different condoms and lubricants. Thank God for the incognito mode on his computer, otherwise, his Google’s algorithms would be suggesting him nothing but sex toys ads, hookup websites, and playboy magazine subscriptions for a year. 

After hours of research and therapy, the two finally began to test the waters of sexual intercourse. However, the three times they had tried to go any further than taking off their clothes, it always ended the same way: one of them would either become extremely uncomfortable and nervous or begin to have second thoughts. And that’s where they stopped.

It wasn’t as if Hajime didn’t want to have sex with him. He really did! And yet, every erotic thought was met with guilt and embarrassment. Turns out being brainwashed into thinking that sex was as evil as murder kind of made it hard to get a boner.

But, he didn’t give up hope. And he decided he was ready. Probably. The increasing amount of therapy he was receiving should have been enough to attest to that, and he knew that there was nothing wrong with what he was wanted to do…what he was GOING to do. They were both of age, both sides were consenting, and…well, that’s all that was needed, really. He was doing nothing wrong. And yet…

The doorknob to the bedroom turned and Hajime sat rigid, watching it open slowly, timidly. A second passed before Nagito walked in, just as slowly and timidly as the door had opened. He was rid of his jacket and wore only a t-shirt; probably to make it so that Hajime would have less clothing to take off of him.

The thought made him dizzy.

“Hi.” Hajime said it more like a statement as opposed to a greeting.

“Hi,” Nagito smiled weakly. He closed the door behind himself, hesitating for a second before deciding to lock it, too. Not that there was any need…he lived alone and no one else was in the house but them.

Nagito stood silently, staring at the floor beneath him. Hajime didn’t help the situation at all, staring off into space as he tried to find the right words to say. Or any words to say, really…

_This is stupid,_ he thought bitterly. _This isn’t how this is supposed to go at all. We shouldn’t be all awkward and tense...no one starts off sex like this! Are either of us even wanting to be here?! What are we doing?!_

“Hajime…I know you’re anxious to overcome this, but…you don’t have to jump into this if you’re not ready,” Nagito said slowly. Hajime felt his heart still.

“…do you not want to do this?” Hajime asked cautiously. Nagito sighed, crossing his arms.

“It doesn’t matter what I want—“

“What are you talking about? Yes, it does! This is a two-way thing, Nagito!”

“We’re not talking about me, though, we’re talking about you!”

“It doesn’t—“ Hajime stopped before closing his eyes, taking a deep breath. This was off to a bad start. “I…I really do want to do this. To answer your question from before. But if YOU’RE not comfortable, I want to know and we can hold off.”

“No, I want to, too,” Nagito nodded. Hajime gave him a look.

“Are you just saying that because I did?”

“No! I do want to, I just…don’t want to force you into it, so I thought if I didn’t share my opinion, you could be honest,” he shrugged. Hajime couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I think we’re making this more complicated than it needs to be.”

“Yeah…we tend to do that a lot,” Nagito sighed before walking towards the bed. Every step he took was quickening Hajime’s heart rate. He sat down on the foot of the bed, only inches away from him.

“…so…” Hajime cleared his throat as he turned to him. “W-We’ll just…take this slow, right?”

Nagito nodded silently. Hajime inched forward and took a breath before closing his eyes and connecting their lips.

The kiss was slow and gentle, no different than usual. Nagito’s lips were so soft and warm. Hajime could almost go as far as to say they were inviting. His hands cupped Hajime’s face in his hands, thumbs brushing lightly against his cheekbones. _This_ he was experienced with. He hummed a small sigh, and the fear that was vibrating in his chest began to fade away.

He loosely wrapped one arm around Nagito’s back and pulled himself a little closer. He ran the palm of his hand on Nagito’s back, feeling the warmth of his body radiating through the soft cotton. He inhaled and breathed in the subtle scent of Nagito’s cologne; a distant, familiar smell of citrus and ginger. Everything about him felt like comfort.

Needing to breathe, Hajime pulled away only a few centimeters. He opened his eyes and met Nagito’s dark, widened pupils.

“Hi,” Nagito whispered, lips still brushing over Hajime’s. Hajime grinned.

“Hi to you, too.” He reconnected their lips and closed his eyes again.

Their kiss up until then had been chaste and innocent, but sensing their shared craving for more, Hajime bit at Nagito’s lower lip, eliciting a small moan from him. His tongue hesitated to enter Nagito’s mouth, slowly tracing the outline of his inner lips with the tip of his tongue. But, when Nagito’s hands reached to gently pull Hajime’s face closer, it slipped in.

A few seconds passed before he needed to breathe again. Hajime pulled away and leaned his forehead against Nagito’s. The other took this opportunity to grab the hem of Hajime’s shirt and pull it off of his body. Hajime complied and lifted his arms to free himself, heart racing. Tossing it to the floor, Nagito began to take off his own shirt as well, pulling it over his head in a second and discarding it in a similar fashion.

He went to pull Hajime back into the hard kiss, thrusting his tongue into his mouth before Hajime could attempt to claim dominance. Holding him by the hips, Nagito pulled him closer until he was sitting on his thighs and let Hajime straddle him.

The intention behind this position was clear, so Hajime didn’t waste any time before rocking his hips against Nagito’s growing erection. He held himself closer against the warm body and buried his face in the crook of Nagito’s neck. He dragged his nails across his bare back. All he could feel was Nagito's hot breath against his skin, his hips grinding against his, and his fingers threading through his hair. Taking strands into his fist, Nagito tugged the ends, causing Hajime to breathily moan and grind his hips harder as the need for pressure increased.

He pulled away before placing a wet kiss on Nagito’s collarbone, tasting the mild saltiness of sweat. He nibbled the skin gently, smiling as he felt Nagito lean his head back and sigh.

“You’re so pretty…” Hajime whispered against his skin, lips moving a few inches before kissing a new spot on his collarbone. He bit a little harder, making Nagito whimper.

“Hajime…”

“You’re absolutely beautiful.” He kissed the skin again, wondering if his bites were going to leave any marks. As he nipped at his neck, Hajime let his hands slowly travel down Nagito’s body, fingertips gently brushing against his chest.

As he reached Nagito’s groin, he rested one hand on the man’s hip while the other worked at pulling down the zipper of his pants. Nagito let out a soft moan as Hajime unbuttoned his pants all while leaving small love bites on his neck.

Hajime then pulled away and moved off of Nagito’s body so he had enough room to discard his jeans. Sitting on the bed again, Hajime went to unbutton his own jeans quickly, but he realized his hands were too shaky to unbutton them singlehandedly.

Using both hands, he fumbled with the button slightly before getting it undone. He went to pull down the zipper of the pants quickly, but halfway down and the zipper refused to move another inch. Exasperated, he tugged a few more times but couldn’t get it unstuck.

_You got to be fucking kidding me._ He pulled harder, but it wouldn’t budge. Nagito was now stripped down to his boxers and watching the awkward display, amused. Hajime refused to look at him as he got to his feet, face burning as tried to pull them off.

“You alright over there?” Nagito asked satirically. Hajime finally turned to glare at him.

“Oh, shut up.”

With a little movement, he was able to tug them off. Kicking them to the side, he moved back onto the bed, frustrated to see Nagito was still smirking at him.

“Maybe you should invest in some new pants?” Nagito suggested.

“Maybe you should be quiet.” He opened his mouth to respond but was quickly cut off by a pair of lips covering his.

As Hajime resumed its intensity, Nagito moaned softly into the kiss. The fuzzy feeling in his brain returned. Once it had been so foreign and anxiety-producing, but now it gave him a sense of comforting familiarity.

As his tongue felt its way deeper into Nagito’s mouth, he brought his hands away from his back and towards his chest instead. Both hands against his upper-ribcages, he let his thumbs brush against both of the man’s nipples.

Nagito gasped against Hajime’s lips before pulling away in surprise

“Was that okay?” Hajime asked. Nagito nodded quickly.

“Y-Yeah…”

“Good.” Hajime went in to resume the kiss, but Nagito leaned back before he could.

“Wait…you’re really focusing on me...what about you?”

“What do you mean?” Unable to hold still, Hajime leaned down and began to softly kiss Nagito’s neck some more. He didn’t fight against Hajime, craning his neck to give him more room.

“W-Well…you’re spending all this time kissing me and trying to—ah, _god,_ ” Nagito whimpered as Hajime bit down again. “Y-You’re being s-so…you’re focused on making me happy, are y-you even enjoying yourself?”

Hajime pulled away to look at him. “Of course I am. I love to just watch you…unwind. Unravel.” His fingers went to pinch Nagito’s nipples as he spoke, smirking as the man shuddered and bit back another moan. “You’re always so selfless and laid-back. Seeing you right now, so needy and bothered and desperate...I’m getting harder just looking at you.”

“O-Oh…” was all Nagito could say. Hajime took him into another open-mouthed kiss. Nagito’s arms had snaked around his waist and he held him closer, erasing the space between them. Hajime took in the heat and dampness of their bodies, surprised to find how incredible it felt. Nagito began to lean back against the pillows as Hajime straddled him, carefully resting his hips against his.

As Nagito’s head hit the pillow, Hajime pulled away and let his fingers move down towards his groin. The large bulge in his boxers had to mean that Nagito was fully erect at this point.

With one finger, he lightly traced the head of Nagito’s dick through his underwear. He still wasn’t completely sure he knew what he was doing, but seeing his boyfriend squirm against his every touch and whimpering from the lack of pressure was turning him on _a lot._

“What’s wrong? What do you want?” Hajime asked. He added a few fingers to rub Nagito’s tip gently, making him let out a breathy moan. The cotton was becoming wetter with pre-cum, making his heart skip a beat.

“You…just…” Nagito continued to struggle for words as Hajime began to slowly palm his cock mercilessly slow. It was cruel of him to be doing this, considering Nagito had so much trouble asking for any sort of intimacy or time from Hajime. But he continued.

“What is it, Nagito? Are you trying to say something?” He grinned as Nagito whined and began to thrust his hips in an effort to get more pressure.

“You…can you…w-why are you doing this to me?!”

“I want you to say it.” He slowed his pace until his hand was barely moving at all. “What do you want? Tell me.”

“I…I want you…to…to…”

“Yes? What do you want?”

“Hajime, you bastard, just finger me already,” Nagito growled impatiently. His eyes grew wide when he realized what he just said. “S-sorry, um…please?”

Hajime was pleasantly surprised. Nagito had never called him a bastard or anything like that before. He wasn’t offended (because, let’s be honest, he was really acting like one) but oddly excited to see Nagito had it in him to snap under the tension.

“Well, how can I say no to you when you ask so nicely?”

Without wasting any more time, his hands grabbed the elastic band of Nagito’s boxers and began to tug them off. Nagito lifted his hips enough to let it slide easily off his body, seemingly relieved.

Hajime turned and tossed the garments onto the floor. He turned back, relieved to finally be going somewhere before he froze. He hadn’t meant to, but it only took a second before the seriousness of the situation hit him like a punch to the gut. The reality that he was going to be fucking someone. A boy. A boy who he loved, of course, but he was still a boy. A boy who was currently naked, fully erect and sweating as he breathed heavily, staring at Hajime expectantly. After a second, though, his facial expression melted into concern.

“Hey…is everything okay?”

**_God hates you._ **

He could feel the guilt begin to creep into his chest. He felt like it was getting harder to breathe, and it wasn’t from his own erection. _Not again._

**_YoureDisgustingYoureRevoltingYoureEverythingHorribleAndYoureGoingToBurnInHellLikeYouShould_ **

**_YoureAFuckupYouDontDeserveHappinessGodNeverLovedYouGodCouldNeverLoveYouYoureAFailure_ **

It was true. He knew it was.

_Damn it._

Why did this have to happen every time?! Why couldn’t he let it go? Why did he care? Why wasn’t he strong enough to stop caring? Why couldn’t he just make love to his boyfriend? Why did he have to run every single fucking time?!

_Why do I fuck this up every single time?!_

Nagito deserved better.

“Hey, Hajime…” Nagito was beginning to sit up. “It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with stopping if you’re not ready, okay?”

Hajime blinked. He looked at Nagito. The fiery passion that was in his eyes before was gone and replaced with a much more tender undertone.

“It’s alright if you need a moment. Or if you need to stop,” Nagito continued, giving him an encouraging smile. “Just…please talk to me?”

Hajime took a deep breath.

_I can’t believe I’m dating this man._

The fact that Nagito Komaeda was real was so real and wonderful was almost unbelievable. How did he deserve him? He was amazing. He was everything Hajime had dreamed about since he was little. He adored him. He loved him.

Fuck everything else.

“Nagito…” Hajime exhaled deeply, breathing out all of the tension that he was feeling. “I love you. I am so in love with you and if you’re willing to, I want to make love to you.”

Nagito’s smile froze and he stared with eyes wide, clearly taken aback. Slowly, he nodded.

“Y-Yes…of course, I’m willing to—I would love to, but…are you sure you’re okay?”

**_God hates you. You’re beyond fixing._ **

Hajime hesitated before nodding firmly.

_I don’t care._

“Of course I’m okay. I’m with you.”

Backing away and standing up, he stretched the waistband of his boxers and pulled them down, letting them slide to his ankles and onto the floor. Nagito’s eyes flew to Hajime’s exposed cock. He swallowed thickly.

“H-Hajime…”

“Lean back and spread your legs out for me, okay?”

Despite still being a little surprised by the sudden mood change, he did what he was told and put his back against the pillows.

**_You’re revolting._ **

Hajime sat back down on the bed and grabbed the lube from the bedside table. He squeezed a generous amount onto his fingers before putting the tube to the side.

_I still don’t care._

Hajime was straddling Nagito’s body, hesitating over him.

“Are you ready?” Hajime asked him quietly, slick fingers waiting at Nagito’s entrance.

“Yes,” Nagito whispered back.

**_You cannot escape. God is watching._ **

_If that’s the case…he really needs to mind his own business._

And then the voice went silent.

Hajime slid one finger in. He moved it around, feeling the hole become slicker as the sides became lubricated. He looked up at Nagito and smirked at his expression. He was obviously holding back a series of noises, biting his lip so hard Hajime was worried it was going to start bleeding.

“You don’t have to hold it back, baby, let it go,” he hummed, letting his finger dive deeper. In response, Nagito let out a small whimper. Hajime frowned. He was hoping for something a bit more salacious.

“Oh, come on, now, I think you can do a little better than that, right?” Taking his finger out to apply a little more lube, he added another finger and went into his entrance again.

“ _Ah,_ fuck…!” Nagito moaned, shuddering as his hands grasp at the bedsheets underneath him. Hajime smiled.

“That’s more like it.” He spread his fingers apart, trying to stretch him as much as he could. As anxious as he was to get inside of him, Hajime was aware of how inexperienced the two were, and the last thing Hajime wanted was to injure his boyfriend because he was rushing into things without prepping him first.

That being said, Nagito didn’t seem to mind at all. He was flushed and breathing raggedly as Hajime worked, a few sweat droplets trickling from his forehead.

Hajime could barely believe that he was the reason Nagito was like this. The fact that his boyfriend was so incredibly desperate for Hajime to be inside of him made his heart swell.

After a few minutes had passed, he felt that Nagito was probably adjusted to the sensation. Hajime leaned himself over Nagito’s body. He kissed languidly, pulling away before Nagito could make any attempt to deepen the kiss.

“Tell me what you want,” Hajime whispered in his ear, making Nagito shiver.

“Y-You…you know what I…you…you…”

“I what?” Hajime asked innocently, as if he didn’t currently have two fingers deep inside of him. Nagito whimpered, thrusting his hips desperately to get more friction.

“You _know_ what!” He whined. Hajime smirked. He never would have guessed that teasing him like this would warrant such a reaction.

“I want to hear you say it.”

“Hajime, why…?”

“Say it.”

“ _Please_ , just…fuck me already…” His boyfriend practically begged, the neediness in his voice causing a wave of arousal to shoot through him and straight to his cock.

“See, that wasn’t so difficult, was it?” Hajime laughed shortly, grabbing one of the condoms that sat beside them.

“You’re the worst,” Nagito murmured quietly as Hajime pulled the condom out of the package with ease. He had opened it before they started in hopes to avoid awkwardly attempting to open the package with slippery fingers, and he was glad he did. As satisfying as it was to see Nagito squirm with impatience, he couldn’t deny that he was just as desperate and couldn’t wait any longer. The throbbing sensation in his cock which had once been pleasurable now felt like a frustrated demand for more.

Glancing down, he positioned himself until the head of his dick was lined up against Nagito’s entrance. His fingers grabbed onto the man’s waist, holding himself steady. He swallowed thickly before looking up again.

“Tell me if it hurts…okay?” Hajime asked hesitantly. “Or if you need more to slow down or stop.”

Nagito nodded wordlessly. Hajime took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves before he slowly began to push in.

Nagito’s eyes squeezed shut as Hajime’s dick began to enter him, biting his lip in hopes to hold back any noise. Hajime stilled immediately.

“A-Are you okay? I’m sorry, should I—“

“No, I’m fine,” Nagito promised quickly, not opening his eyes. “I-It hurts a little, but I’m okay, please don’t stop.”

“Okay…” Tightening his grip on the boy’s waist, he pushed himself in more. Nagito whimpered from the sensation, squeezing his eyes tighter as he went deeper.

“N-Nagito, we can—“

“Keep going,” he cut in sharply, opening his eyes and giving Hajime a threatening look, beyond impatient now.

Taking a deep breath, Hajime pushed his hips forward a little more. Nagito made no noise or gave any sort of indication that he was in pain. He pushed himself in deeper and felt a rush of relief when Nagito moaned, which hopefully meant that he was no longer hurting him. He pushed in until his length was fully inside.

“Are you alright?”

“Y-Yeah…just, give me a second,” Nagito breathed out. Hajime complied, sitting perfectly still. Nagito winced as he readjusted himself, shifting his weight until he could breathe a little easier. “Okay, I’m fine…keep going…”

Hajime shortly nodded once before looking down again. The only problem was that he wasn’t exactly sure _how_ to keep going.

He experimentally shifted his hips, frowning at the lack of stimulus his throbbing cock was begging for. He curiously began to pull himself out before he thrust his hips and pushed himself back in. This clearly was the right move to make, as he felt a rush of pleasure shooting through his body and he cried out shakily. Nagito moaned as well from the sudden sensation, throwing his head as he breathed heavily.

“Oh _god,_ ” Nagito gasped, rolling his hips. “K-Keep doing that.”

He didn’t have to be told twice. Digging his knees deeper into the bed, Hajime repeated the action and grunted again, hot energy rippling through his body. It only took a few more thrusts before he began to get into a rhythm of rolling his hips again and again. He couldn’t stop himself from moaning; Nagito was so tight and with each movement came more ecstasy.

His fingers moved up to Nagito’s ribcage, positioning himself to be directly over Nagito’s sweat-glistened body. His pale skin was flushed and he was panting raggedy.

“Does it feel good?” Hajime asked him in a low voice, thrusting his hips again and pushing his cock deeper inside of the man. The cry of pleasure that escaped Nagito’s lips could have been enough of an answer, but he vigorously nodded anyway.

“Y-Yes, it— _fuck,_ yes,” he gasped, fingernails digging into the bedsheets beneath him. “F-Faster, please…”

Out of breath but more than happy to oblige, he picked up the pace. In turn, Nagito wrapped his legs around Hajime’s waist and dug the heels of his feet into Hajime’s back, encouraging him to continue to pound into him without restraint.

Hajime lowered himself over Nagito and kissed him, not failing to continue thrusting into him with all of the energy he could muster. Nagito’s mouth opened easily, letting Hajime’s tongue slide in and meet Nagito’s. The kiss was wet and hot and _perfect_. Simultaneously, he pulled half of himself before slamming his cock as deep as he possibly could.

“Ah!” Nagito cried, leaning back suddenly. “R-Right there, p-please, again—!”

Hajime repeated the action a couple more times before Nagito loudly moaned once more, clenching the bedsheets with his fists.

“ _God,_ d-don’t stop.”

The sight of his boyfriend falling apart was making his head feel dizzy. He dug his fingernails into Nagito’s sides, thrusting into him desperately.

“God, you feel so good,” Hajime panted, losing himself. “You’re so fucking gorgeous, so perfect...”

“ _H-Hajime_ …” The sound of his name on Nagito’s lips was almost enough to send him overboard. “I’m— _fuck_ , Hajime—I’m not going to last m-much longer.”

“Are you going to come for me?” Hajime asked breathlessly, earning himself an eager nod. Moving one hand away from Nagito’s side and towards his dick, he took it the palm of his hand tightly. He began stroking it quickly, encouraging him to finish. “Come for me, Nagito.”

“Oh God, I—“ Nagito gasped, unable to say any more before he orgasmed, back arching as he came into Hajime’s hand. Every muscle in his abdomen went rigid and tightened around Hajime’s cock, which was enough to make him finish as well. He erratically thrusted into Nagito a few more times before he came. Body shuddering and fingers digging into Nagito’s side, he rode it out until he was complete.

His muscles lax, Hajime pulled himself out of Nagito. Breathing heavily, he took off the used condom and disposed of it. He began to sink into the bed before pausing as he remembered something.

“Oh, wait…here, let me…” He reached over towards the bedside table to grab the dampened washcloth. Nagito, sensing what he was about to do, began to sit up.

“No, no, it’s okay, I can—“

“Let me do this for you, okay?” Hajime asked quietly, giving him a small smile. Reluctant, Nagito said nothing and sank into the mattress again.

Pressing the washcloth against Nagito’s lower abdomen, Hajime wiped what was left of the cum off of his body. It was only seconds before until he was clean again.

“There we go.” He put the washcloth back onto the bedside table before turning back to his lover, who was still breathing heavily. Smiling gently, Hajime lowered himself and met Nagito’s lips, cupping his face in his hands. The kiss was warm and slow, and he could feel Nagito smiling against his lips.

He pulled away only inches away from his face. Nagito’s eyelids were drooping and his smile was a bit lopsided as he stared back at him.

“Are you okay?” Hajime asked quietly, softly stroking the side of Nagito’s cheek with his thumb. Nagito’s smile grew.

“Yeah…more than okay…” He chuckled lightly. “We were really missing out, huh?”

Hajime laughed, leaning his forehead against the others. “No kidding…”

Nagito’s smile faded slightly and he stared at Hajime seriously. “What about you? Are _you_ okay?”

Hajime paused. He sensed the guilt trying to nudge its way into his consciousness, but it was small and barely existent, as if something was overpowering it.

“Y-Yeah… I am. I really am.”

Nagito smiled and hummed in satisfaction.

“Good.” He closed the gap between them and kissed him again, tongue lightly swiping across his bottom-lip. Hajime lazily parted his lips to let Nagito in. If heaven were real, this had to be what it felt like.

“I love you,” Hajime murmured into the kiss, wondering if his words were even intelligible. Nagito leaned away only slightly, keeping their lips brushing against one another.

“I love you, too,” he whispered against them before he resumed where they had left off, leaving Hajime feeling like his heart was about to explode. He could have kept going, but the exhaustion was beginning to cloud his brain and he felt like it was only moments before it would shut down completely.

Slowly, Hajime opened his eyes and pulled away from the man, looking at him one last time before he shifted off of his body and to his right. Wordlessly, Nagito received the message and leaned over to turn off the bedside lamp. The darkness engulfed the two, lulling them into complete serenity.

Tugging the blanket over their bodies, Hajime took a few seconds before leaning against Nagito’s bare chest, smiling as Nagito wrapped his arms around him.

“Thank you,” Hajime breathed out quietly as he closed his eyes.

“For what?”

“For staying with me. For giving me tonight. For…everything, really.” Nagito said nothing to that, but that was okay because there wasn’t anything to say. He gently pressed a kiss against Hajime’s forehead, instead.

And that was the last thing Hajime felt before falling into a peaceful sleep, finally content with himself for the first time in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it…this is my second time writing smut (the first time was like 5 years ago) and I’m really hoping it was satisfactory. Have a wonderful day!)


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